Revelations

The other night as I was refilling Kaydee's medication organizer, I had an incredible feeling of sadness come over me. I thought to myself, "this is not fair."

It's no secret that it's been another rough week with little miss Kaydee. We are in the middle of another medication change, and I know that she just needs time for her body to adjust. But still, there is only so much backtalk and screaming and breaking things that someone can take.

So as I was refilling the meds, I thought about how it wasn't fair to her to have to go through this. She's just a kid. She shouldn't have to struggle with things out of her control, with a body that is betraying her. She shouldn't have to take so many pills everyday. She shouldn't have to be a guinea pig while we try to figure it out. This morning at her swim lesson, I could see she was struggling. She was having her seizures. And I know to her teacher, it looked like Kaydee wasn't paying attention. So I informed her teacher, and Kaydee walked off and cried. She thought she was getting in trouble. I calmed Kaydee down and told her what I had noticed and that her teacher needed to know about the seizures. Her sad little face turned down and she said "I can't stop the seizures." That just breaks my heart. She has become more aware of how they are affecting her life. I hugged her and reassured her that she couldn't help it, and that is why she takes so much medicine, and we see different doctors and therapists. Knowing that it wasn't her fault cheered her up.

When I finished refilling the meds, I went upstairs and told Sal about how it wasn't fair. He told me something I already knew, yet had lost sight of. Kaydee is a strong girl. She has such a wonderful huge heart, and a desire to live and she does it enthusiastically. She bounces back, and fights back. She tries hard and never gives up - even when it's something like trying to avoid a chore.

Recently I was looking at t-shirts I'd like to get for her. I think this one is perfect: it says: I have epilepsy, It doesn't have me. I also really like one that says,  "I love electrical storms, except when they're happening in my brain.